in search of normalcy

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the past few days have been particularly hard as we just hit the 3 week anniversary of gramma’s death. i’ve seen a hospice grief counselor twice and am finding it to be most helpful. those hospice peeps are good eggs! she promises me that what i’m feeling is a normal part of the grieving process – lethargy, fuzziness, chest pains, and heaviness. it’s like there is a big pile of lead tied around me. big boo, grieving smieving, it sucks. 
i’m now waking up in the middle of the night for hours replaying memories and having dreams about her. like last night’s where she wasn’t really gone and went on a fun trip where she didn’t even need a walker! it’s interesting how grief affects us on so many levels – even while we slumber. then i have moments of lucidity and feel a bit more myself. again, from what i’m told this is all “normal.”
yet, honestly i have to even wonder what normal is anymore. life as i’ve known it will never be the same. i am seeing things differently and feeling differently. maybe it’s due to being numb, but i’m fairly sure some of these shifts will stick. in a good way.
i love the notion of buddhist thought that sees challenges as opportunities and i’m trying to find that here. having life shaken up in such a way will definitely encourage a shift in perspective. ah, the lessons! in the interim, i must confess that i’m eating tons of tofutti cuties and wondering when normalcy will really return. and then pondering what normalcy even looks like now. 
life is full of cycles. a favorite reading notes “no matter how dark the night, morning comes. no matter how cold the winter, spring always comes.” i’m ready. et toi? bisous. x